The Night I Ate an Entire Rotisserie Chicken in My Car
Let’s start with the real rock bottom: I was sitting in my Honda Civic at 11 p.m., grease smeared on the steering wheel, gnawing on a cold rotisserie chicken I’d bought “for meal prep.” My phone was open to a Google search: “Is it possible to lose weight if you hate yourself?” Spoiler: No. But I tried anyway.
This wasn’t about bikinis or beach bodies. This was about surviving a life where my jeans screamed for mercy and my doctor said “metabolic syndrome” like it was a Taylor Swift lyric. So I threw out the rulebook, burned my gym membership card, and did things my way—messy, chaotic, and occasionally illegal (parking in the “10 Items or Less” lane with 12 items).
Here’s the unedited, 100% human dumpster fire version of what worked, what failed, and what made me question capitalism.
1. Intermittent Fasting (But I Ate Pop-Tarts at Midnight)
Everyone claims fasting is magic. I tried the 16/8 method. Here’s the unedited diary:
- Day 1: Ate a salad at noon. Felt virtuous. Ate a family-sized bag of Cheetos at 8:01 p.m. Felt shame.
- Day 3: Drank black coffee. Cried into the mug. Added cream. Cried harder.
- Day 7: Ate a Pop-Tart at midnight. Blamed daylight savings.
The Truth:
- Fasting taught me I’m not hungry—I’m just emotionally empty.
- Lost 3 pounds. Gained 2 back after discovering Trader Joe’s cookie butter.
- Now side-eye anyone who says “fasting is easy.”
2. I Ate Bread (And Became a Gluten Warrior)
Carbs are the enemy? Nope. I ate sourdough like it owed me money.
- Breakfast: Avocado toast on thick sourdough. Added chili flakes to feel alive.
- Lunch: Turkey sandwich with extra mayo. Judge me.
- Dinner: Pasta. Always pasta.
What Happened:
- Energy spiked. Crashed at 3 p.m. Ate more bread.
- Lost 4 pounds. Realized gluten-free influencers are paid liars.
- Started a one-woman campaign to #SaveTheCarbs.
3. Walking: My Excuse to Avoid Adulting
I hate exercise. But walking? That’s just… procrastination with steps.
How I Faked It:
- Podcasts: If I walked, I could finally learn who killed JonBenét Ramsey.
- Parking Far Away: “Accidentally” left my wallet in the car. Three trips later, my Fitbit cheered.
- Dance Walks: Blared “WAP” and power-walked like I was fleeing the FBI.
Result:
- Lost 1.5 inches off my hips.
- Solved 0 crimes but diagnosed 4 neighbors as probable serial killers.
- My dog now judges my life choices.
4. Water: The Liquid Torture
I used to think hydration was optional. Now I chug water like I’m in a frat house.
Hydration Hacks for the Cynical:
- Morning Ritual: Chug 16 oz of water. Regret existing.
- Sparkling Water: Pour it into a champagne flute. Pretend it’s Dom Pérignon.
- Herbal Tea: Peppermint at night. Sometimes with a splash of whiskey. (Don’t tell my therapist.)
Science Says: Water cuts calories by 13%[^1]. I say: It also cuts happiness by 37%.
5. Sleep: Where I Learned to Hate My Life Less
I used to binge Netflix until my eyeballs bled. Now I’m asleep by 10 p.m. Here’s why:
- Blue Light Glasses: Made me look like a rejected Matrix extra.
- Weighted Blanket: Feels like being hugged by a depressed grizzly.
- Melatonin Gummies: Taste like regret but knock me out like a tranquilized raccoon.
Result:
- Fewer 3 a.m. Oreo binges.
- Woke up feeling like a semi-functional human.
- Still hate mornings. Always will.
6. Lifting Weights (But Only My Cat)
I don’t “lift.” I occasionally hoist my 15-pound cat, Mr. Whiskers, while yelling, “Why are you so heavy?!”
My “Fitness Routine”:
- Squats: Pretend to sit in a chair. Collapse after 3 reps.
- Push-Ups: On my knees. Mr. Whiskers sits on my back.
- Planks: Last 8 seconds. Celebrate with a slice of pizza.
Result:
- Can now carry 3 grocery bags and my dignity.
- Still can’t open pickle jars.
7. Sugar Detox (AKA My Villain Era)
Sugar is in everything—ketchup, “healthy” granola, my will to live. Cutting it was hell.
How I Survived:
- Dark Chocolate: 85% cacao. Tastes like betrayal.
- Oatmeal: With peanut butter and rage.
- Cheat Days: Ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Blamed society.
Result:
- Skin cleared up.
- Cravings died.
- My inner child filed a restraining order.
8. Stress: The Silent Assassin
Stress made me eat. Now I fight back with chaos:
- Doodling: Scribble cursed doodles of my boss.
- Dance Breaks: Blast “Baby Shark” and flail like a drunk octopus.
- Therapy: Cheaper than a Starbucks addiction.
Result:
- Less stress.
- Fewer breakdowns.
- More naps.
9. I Ignored the Scale (And Embraced Delusion)
The scale is a gaslighting sociopath. Here’s what I track instead:
- Energy: Can I climb stairs without sounding like a dying walrus?
- Jeans: Do they button without lying on the bed?
- Mood: Am I less likely to flip off strangers?
Real Talk: Muscle weighs more than fat. The scale can fight me.
10. The 80/20 Rule (Because I’m Not a Robot)
80% of the time: Eat veggies, drink water, pretend to adult.
20% of the time: Eat tacos, drink wine, watch The Office until my eyes bleed.
Why It Works: Perfection is a scam. Balance is survival.
Final Thoughts
Losing weight fast isn’t about shortcuts—it’s about finding what works for you. For me? Walking, carbs, and crying into a salad.
Need Help? Download my free guide: 5 Microwave Meals for People Who Hate Themselves. (Spoiler: It includes cheese straight from the bag.)
FAQs (From People Who’ve Also Cried in Their Cars)
Q: Can I lose weight without giving up bread?
A: YES. Eat sourdough, ciabatta, or a baguette. Carbs are life.
Q: Does coffee ruin fasting?
A: Black coffee? No. Cream? A splash won’t kill you. Pumpkin spice latte? That’s a cry for help.
Q: How do I handle plateaus?
A: Scream into a pillow. Then eat a cookie. Try again tomorrow.
Q: Is wine allowed?
A: Yes. But tequila shots + 3 a.m. Taco Bell? That’s a “future you” problem.